Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
