I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
