My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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