I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry about my life...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize