I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
