I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
