That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
