i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
