a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
