i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
