Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
