He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
vagina is talking i cant
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
