Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We are all done wearing pants today
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
