oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
