What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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