also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
