I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
