i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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