There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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