I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
