Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
