shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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