Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
