She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
