oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
