Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We're facebook friends in real life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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