my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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