He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
