So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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