i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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