Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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