His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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