I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
