the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
