god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
