Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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