Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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