Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Small penises have feelings too.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Randomize
