I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize