dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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