He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
