How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
