I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
