He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
