I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
