I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
