You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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