If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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