and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize