and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
