I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
