I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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