I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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