i don't like sucking hair
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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