Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
