i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I don't deserve a penis
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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