Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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