Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
