I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
what day is it and did you see me today?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
