Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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