oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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