our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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