Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
