I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
